I'm not really that excited to write this right now. I'm 37,000 feet above the ground and I'm not quite sure how to write and complete the journey that I've just been on in writing. I've heard everything about the blog from "I love it" to "That's all you got out of this trip"...so it's run the gamut. Mainly the feedback has been positive and I'm extremely thankful that people have found it helpful to read the blog and be able to keep up with the ride. You know, over the course of the ride, I would truly wait until I felt like writing and then I would just write. The words and scenes from the day would just ooze out of me onto my computer screen and it really felt like the blog was writing itself and I would inject my own slant every once in a while to keep the story flowing. Today feels different. I'm writing today because I'm stuck. Not stuck like I have writers block but today is Dec 28 and the ride has been over for 2 days. I'm on a plane to see my family in Tampa bay sitting next to a silver haired grandmother in a pink sweater with pictures of her grandchildren on her shirt with the text "Grandma's Angel's" above their picture...I'm in seat 30-A...I'm not following a horse, I'm not on the ride. Yeah, I could tell myself that I'm STILL ON THE RIDE, and I'll always be on the RIDE, but that's different that's an analogy, I'm not on the Dakota 38 ride. That has ended for the year of 2008. Jim Miller's dream that came to him 4 years ago has been completed and next year if the ride continues it will be up to the younger generations to continue the ride as Jim has expressed his desire to "retire". (which he jokingly says...my opinion is he'll be there in some capacity) Personally the last day of the ride was the longest I've ever rode a horse, 10 miles. I had moments where I felt like I was flying, or at least riding a fake horse that wasn't touching the ground. Kind of a mix between the horses from the carousel scene in "Mary Poppins" and the exciting "Tatanka" chase scene in "Dances with Wolves" with a dash of Billy Crystal's enthusiasm (minus the Mets Hat) from "City Slickers". I had my moment of feeling free on the horse, flying, and I wanted more. But the ride is over. These horses are amazing. Take what the people on the 330 mile journey did and multiply it by any number larger than 100 and that's a starting point of how much respect and admiration I have for these animals. They battled poor weather conditions, running on hard, icy roads, (they'd much prefer fields), exhaustian, injury, (cuts, pulling up lame, saddle tears in their skin), all of this and more while carrying us and the completion of a dream. They literally carried us on their backs and I am forever grateful to all of the horses that participated in this years ride. The same reasons I feared riding them in the beginning of the journey are the same that I have come to revere them by the end. Strength, consistency, power, grace, calm, aggression, passion, love, stillness, and their ability to carry a people. It has been truly inspiring. I'm looking for opportunities to spend more time with horses. The ride is over. Then there's some of the things during the ride that I just didn't vibe with and left me wondering. Why on the final day in Mankato, in the middle of the ceremony culminating the 330 mile trek, and honoring of these 38 Dakota warriors, did one of the Native American elders (who was standing in the center of a circle right in the middle of a ceremony) answer his cell phone and begin to have a conversation. Strange. Why when we were at one of the community centers did one of the Native American men who was organizing the event say "And if any of the women want to help out with the serving of the food, then go now". There were women who rode horse during the day and cooked at night. There were no men. It seemed out of balance. Why after giving a plastic plate to one of the riders that we had brought to avoid using styrofoam in the cities we visited, did he smile, agree, take the plate and then simply use the styrofoam plate anyway yet put the plastic plate underneath as a sort of colorful garnish? Interesting.
The ceremony in Mankato went off with out a hitch. We had great support from the community, law enforcement, local establishments. It's difficult for me to put into words all that was happening on Dec 26. At this point, I think I'll let the eventual footage speak for itself. There is one thing I did want to mention though. There was a tragedy on Dec 17 within the Native American community. A young 18 year old boy Seth passed away on Dec 17. His wish and his families plan before his death was to attend this ride and ride with his family from Lower Sioux to Mankato. His family buried Seth on Dec 22, and then on Dec 23 they came to the ride to fulfill Seth's wish. The family brought 5 horses, one of which was riderless that was lead by Dallas (Seth's father) throughout the snowy trails. That families horse was the horse I rode. I didn't realize until midway through my first day of riding. I was hit with a wave of emotion. To see the strength, compassion, and togetherness of Seth's family and his horses, (which would not leave each other's side) was astonishing, something I'd never seen before. On the ride back from Bob Folsom's farm with the family they gave me Seth's mass card and I was able to read what this young man who I had never met but was now connected to was interested in. He was into traditional dancing, horseback riding, running among many other things. Beloved by his friends, he lit up a room. I also read that in years past he had participated in a 98 mile run starting at midnight on Dec 25 from the concentration camp site in Ft. Snelling, and arriving at the hanging site in Mankato on the morning of Dec 26. It's an all night run and has been going on for over 20 years. The run is done in relay legs. I knew when I read that, that I was going to run for Seth. His parents were participating on the ride on horseback and with a wristband that was his given to me by his mother I was going to be able to run for him from Ft. Snelling. Silas, Pancho, Sarah, Crystal and myself after a long day took the drive to Ft. Snelling (1.5 hours from Mankato) and participated in the run for Seth. Together we ran a 2 mile leg at 3:30am for Seth. We then drove back to Mankato to sleep for 2 hours before getting up for the ceremony in the morning. It was a wild night but I felt great that Seth was honored on both fronts for this historic day. During an honoring and funeral service in the morning, I presented Seth's mother Fern with a bracelet of Seth's that I wore during the run. It will remain with her. Love to Seth and Seth's family.
Yesterday Pancho, Silas and myself woke up late and talked all afternoon. We sat on our couch at our house in Flandreau, SD and then moved to a coffee show next door for Mexican Coffee, Tea, Pizza and an awful egg sandwich that Silas attempted to make us both take a bite of. Pancho did and regretted it, I made the smart choice. We caught up, checked in, talked about the ride, God, religion, spirituality, what's next for us, what gets us going, what resonated with us on the ride, what didn't. The one thing we all agreed on was when Jim talks about his life being a open book. Jim Miller is a recovering alcoholic. 27 years sober I believe. Jim Miller is a decorated Vietnam Veteran with 38 confirmed kills. He didn't make the connection to the Dakota 38 until he had his dream 4 years ago and began researching what he saw. Jim Miller is not a Republican or a Democrat. Jim Miller ran guns, served time in Levenworth, and spent 2 years straight in solitary confinement. Jim Miller says "I love you all very much" before he says anything to a group, and when seeing you and giving you a hug says, "I love you buddy"...Jim Miller will tell you all this. Jim Miller is an open book.
We spoke about that all yesterday. How amazing it is to see someone lead their life as that much of an open book. Jim is a humble man and will be the first to tell you he's not a spiritual leader. He always puts the leadership into the hands of the people. The people know who's leading, and that leader empowers the people. It's truly a lesson in leadership and community. I was contemplating whether or not to have this blog contain some of the things that I didn't resonate with here on my journey. Some of the challenges I believe the community as a whole face moving forward. In my opinion the major ones being reducing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes on the reservation and improving the diet, (too much soda, sweets, not enough fruits/vegetables). I wanted my thoughts to be an open book. These are my thoughts, feelings on the subject. Over the course of the past 25 days I have been inspired by so many things in this community and I have written about all of them. I'm truly grateful to this community for their warmth and openness and only ask that in reading this to respect my thoughts and feelings as an open book.
Another thing that I have been thinking of lately is what one of the women in one of the communities said to me after one of my latest blog entries. I had written thoughts of linking the genocide of the Holocaust to what the Native Americans went through at the hands of the US Gov't. For me I was taking a leap. For me that was putting myself out there. Her comment to me was first that the blog was "honest"...I said thank you. She then proceeded to say that "I was actually thinking, that's all you got out of this ride?" I immediately was put on the defensive. I thought to myself that was an odd thing to say to someone. It got me thinking. Did I not go deep enough? Should I have invested more? Could I have invested more? Why was I so defensive when this woman said this? It has stuck with me for a few days. My thought is that I didn't like it because someone who didn't know me questioned my effort. Questioned my heart, what I've been doing on this ride and how I've been interacting with the community. A lot of what this ride is about is very difficult to put into words and I truly feel ill equipped to give the rundown of what's going on sometimes. I have been writing this blog because it felt good to share what had been going on with the ride, tell stories and share. I was putting myself out there. I was sharing my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I would shy away from a difficult topic because I didn't want to offend or I felt I didn't have the knowledge and information to have a complete argument formed. But I, like I have heard many Native American elders say about their ancestors...Did the best I could at that particular time. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. That's what I did, I did the best I could at that particular time and I went as deep and got as much out of this experience as I could at that time. More importantly I GAVE as much as I could. I feel complete with my involvement in this ride and I hope that all of the riders and supporters do as well. It was an amazing journey, a true experience of a lifetime and I'm so honored to be a part of it. And to the woman who said that statement, if you are reading this blog, I'm writing this all with love and do not mean to demean your question as I'm sure you did not mean to offend me. It raised a red flag with me and I wanted to investigate why. That is all. Open Book.
That also came up recently in someone saying to me..."you're leading with your head not your heart, get out of your headspace and into your heartspace"...This after knowing me for two days over brief conversations. I questioned a belief. I questioned a story someone heard and I questioned whether or not it happened. Or how it happened. I wanted to investigate deeper. I believe in questioning a story instead of simply believing with blind faith, I was assumed to be looking at the issue from a head space over a heart space. I didn't know one was better or worse that the other. Last time I checked the world and most people in it are working towards balance. A mix of head and heart. If we're not questioning stories and history then we're simply living into our own past. And as we've seen if we're living in patterns and past, some of the past is not something we'd like to be living into. I did take a lot away from that conversation. I was not offended by them challenging me with my questioning of a story, but am glad they did because it leads me to question my own beliefs, who am I, what do I believe, how can I help...Thank you ladies.
The headspace, heartspace argument I believe is a central one in allowing people of different religions/spiritual practices to come together. If I question a belief within a certain religion it's most always taken as an attack on the individual. That needs to end. I'm not attacking anyone, I'm questioning a belief system. A story. I want to know what inspires a person about their way of living. Their view on the world, communities, the cosmos, the origins of life...I felt that over the past week especially of this ride. I'm not a practicer of the Native American ancient spiritual traditions, I'm not a Christian. Although I was raised Catholic and baptized in the church I don't associate with the beliefs. I'm not a Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, etc. What I can do is respect and understand individuals. I've sometimes in the past looked for ONE method of linking everyone. A magic bullet if you will of spirituality or connection or whatever you'd like to call it. To get rid of the division and bring in the reconciliation. What I've realized through conversations with friends and colleagues is that that's a protection for me. It's too broad. It would allow me to look at people as groups and try to figure out through study and information how to bring people together. (headspace) Not a bad thing, my heart was in the right place, but I would be acting from my head. What I've been seeing through this ride is that any community is truly made up of people. Individuals. Even in a church. I guess I've always known that but I never quite felt it as deeply as I did during this ride. Getting to know individuals, respecting their points of view, religious, spiritual, beliefs, not trying to change them into some futuristic spiritual robot that makes everyone the same. Loving the diversity within a certain community. Getting to know the people. And if I don't get to know everyone within the community on the same level. That's ok. That's real, that's life. I'm not trying to run a Tony Robbins seminar here and make sure everyone gets their money's worth out of a weekend...(keeping in mind, I love Tony Robbins and think what he does is amazing on a lot of levels, but it was just an example)...I'm just trying to be of service and find my place in this world. I don't have a definition for God. I don't have a definition for my spirituality. I don't have a definition for faith. It's not set. I don't know. That's where I'm working from today. It will change, that's inevitable. But being okay with where I am today, and more importantly for me, not judging others for their beliefs and where they are is an extremely important thing for me to take away from this ride. I often hear and have said in the past. Be present, be in the moment, be in the now...What's hot now for the general public of this definition is something resembling a Eckhart Tolle, Secret type, meditation, yoga, Oprah type thing, for the most part. (Give or take an Oprah)...And that's great. I've seen the Secret, I've read the Power of Now, practice Yoga, meditation, watch an occassional episode of Oprah, I think this is all great stuff and extremely helpful. What I've found though is that I have to define what being present means to me. What being in the moment means to me. That's being alive for me. Defining how I feel about life, not taking someone else's definition or story of it. Being present to me is life. Is writing this right now. Taking that deep breath after not looking up from this screen for a few minutes. My definition will change too. I'm not going to be attached to being present. Sometimes I'm more alive than others. That's life. Life is beautiful. I love these days. When life just feels light. I'm not going to chase that light feeling. It will be there and then it won't. And when it's not. It's ok. It's still there just at a different frequency. A little lower. I may not be able to feel it as deeply but it's there. Then it will hit me. Boom, that baby crying which 10 minutes into the plane ride might have annoyed me is now sweet sweet music. Things change. And the grandparents who were sitting in the row in front of me who took a long time to get into their row...Remember that scenario? Hurry up will ya? yeah sometimes we say that to ourselves, but other times we're blown away at how sweet, cute and loving this couple is still after all these years...They kiss. That moment was worth it. The fact that I'm tearing up while writing this as we start our descent to Tampa. This is a great moment. I started this blog not knowing. Not knowing what to write, frustrated about some of the things I was feeling about the trip. I still don't know. I don't know anything more than when I started, but something has shifted. Has changed. Whoa, turbulence the plane is shaking, I'll have to close for now. Things change, but stay the same. To ride it out and keep questioning is something I love. Question and Trust. Head and Heart. Yin and Yang. Dark and Light. Joy and Sorrow. Life and Death. I still don't know, but I feel better, I can breathe deeper, smile broader and end this post and this ride with a feeling of joy, gratitude and Doksha...What's doksha you say? It's the Native American saying for "I'll see you around"...I noticed that very few people say goodbye...They always say Doksha. Like just "see you round"...As my inspiring and awesome new friend Pancho would say, "We are all citizens of the world"...So with that, I'll see you round the world...Doksha..
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